what else would we have but a train-themed party?

http://www.pingg.com/view_announcements/amq5s3g8xa4zzt4ah

transitions

My best friend passed away on May 28, 2010 after a long and fierce battle with metastatic breast cancer. Most often when talking about someone who has died of cancer, you hear the phrase, “… and she finally lost a long battle with ...” For Karen, I think of it another way. She was a fierce warrior, she made peace with the cancer while they co-habitated, she beat it into submission as long as she could, and then she finally “won” and left it behind.

Karen was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2001 and with metastatic cancer in 2004. Last May (2009), it was clear that her health was getting much more precarious. With the loving support of Jean-Max, I made the decision to spend as much time with her as I could while I could. Between May 2009 and May 2010, I was able to see her 12 times. That’s about four years worth of visits packed into one.

Karen moved into a hospice residence in mid-April. On May 26, Karen asked our dear friend Venus, who was at her side, to call “everyone” and tell us that “things were getting rough.” I got my call on the morning of May 26. Through a series of small miracles, I was able to arrive in Massachussetts about 36 hours later. By the time I arrived, Karen was in a dreamy, halfway place, partly because of the very intense pain medication she needed to take and partly because she was getting ready to … transition … I suppose is the best word for it.

Karen’s family was a family of choice, and her inner circle was at her side for this final journey. We came from all over: some friends were already in Massachussetts, two of us came from California, two came from New Jersey, and her sister from Indiana. I was the last to arrive, and it was clear that Karen was waiting for me.

We spent a last day with Karen, praying, listening to music, eating together, holding Karen’s hand, and enjoying every moment with her and one another.

Later that evening, while most everyone was eating dinner in the family area of the hospice house, I went back into Karen’s room and laid down with her. Her breathing was so ragged, and something just felt different. In between tears, I whispered to her that I was so sad only because I didn’t want our time together, as we have always been, to be over, but that I also knew we would always be together, just in a different way. I whispered that she once promised me that she wouldn’t leave me unless she knew I would be okay. I told her I would be okay. Somewhere in the middle of this, she softly and gently stopped breathing. When I finally pulled back to look at her, she was gone. It was the damnedest thing. Her body didn’t look any different than it had just a minute before, but she was gone. Her body really was like, and no more than, a set of clothes.

In her last moment, Karen gave me such as gift. She knew that I needed to hold her hand as she passed away. I desperately needed to know that people don’t just disappear, and I needed to be with her through every single breath and then through the ceasing of breath. It was so clear to me afterwards that everyone in her inner circle needed something different. Some of us needed to be next door, I needed to be with her, and, for Karen’s great love, she simply didn’t want his last memory of her to be of her dying.

Because I live so far away, I didn’t think it would be possible to be with Karen at the moment of her passing, but she made it happen. Even as she was struggling with the fear of the unknown, the pain, and the sadness of dying, she thought of me. I am humbled beyond words that she would relax into the unknown in my arms. Words are inadequate to express how deeply I loved her and how deeply I was loved by her.

PS: I will return to the usual, and lighter, topic of my posts (e.g., Luke love) soon.

we now interrupt your regularly scheduled program

... to let you know what Mama has been up to. That's me, on the right, graduating from Mills College on Saturday.

3 years old

We had Luke's 3-year old check up yesterday, and the relevant stats are:
29 pounds (20th percentile for weight)
3'2" tall (62nd percentile for height)

Luke spent a good portion of the visit explaining to Dr. Marta that the light switches in her office are just like the light switches at home, and he further explained how they worked ("if you push them up, the light goes on, and if you pull them down, the light goes off!" replete with hand and facial gestures to match). Her reply to me was, "Well, that tells me everything I need to know about his development! Now, Luke, can you show me how you jump?" Which he did, with a chorus of "Blast off!!!"

After three lovely years together, I can confirm what we knew on Luke's birth day: he's an utterly adorable and adored tall-ish skinny guy.

birthday celebration: my boy was bustin' a move!

A few pics from Sunday's birthday party. The singer is the fabulous Charity of Charity and the Jam Band! More photos are on our Flicker site.

dreams

I think Luke has started to remember his dreams. A few days ago, when he woke up in the morning, he told me that, "Luke was a baby, and Luke was in his house, but not our house, another house, without Mama and Dada. Then Luke was a big boy and he was in his house." And, a few days before that, he had woken up in the middle of the night, very distressed, saying "Where's Ziggy?" (his Schleich puppy figure). When I told him that Ziggy was just fine, and, see, there he is, Luke was OK and went back to sleep. I now realize that these are Luke's dreams! Pretty neat, huh?

the april report

The past few months have been a blur of travel, illness, and (as always) lots of joy and napping. Some of the highlights from April, which now seems so long ago:

Two work trips for Mama -- San Luis Obispo and Imperial Valley/San Diego. This second trip shows how my work takes me to *all* the hot spots in California. Er, not so much.

One work trip for Dada -- four days in Cary, which makes it official that Jean-Max sees my Dad more than I do.

One major illness for Luke -- five days (count 'em FIVE) of a 104 degree fever. Some other numbers that might interest you.

• 1: number of consecutive hours that Luke slept at night (i.e., he woke up every hour all night long for nearly five days).
• 1: number of parents in the house when Luke was sick (of course, this all happened when Jean-Max was traveling!).
• 2: number of doctor visits in a four day period.
• 2: number of hours it would take for the Children's Motrin to start working (i.e., I would give my cranky feverish boy a dose of medicine, and it would take two bleeping hours for it to help him feel better).
• 2: number of pounds Luke lost that week, while he was so sick and not eating.
• 3: number of times each day that I called Dada to report on how Luke and I were doing.
• 102: the lowest that Luke's fever was during this five day stretch.

The doc never got a great look at Luke's throat, but we're pretty sure he had Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. Sounds horrible, and it was. Poor Luke was sooo sick. But then, on Day 6, he woke up like nothing had ever happened, and was back to his normal, happy, active self. It was cah-razy.

Pretend play -- One morning in April, Luke woke up and all of a sudden, he started telling stories. Long, elaborate, complex stories. And, he started "pretending." Like, let's pretend this is an apple and eat it. Let's pretend this is a cookie and have a tea party. Let's pretend this train is Little Puffer! With a sudden leap in cognitive ability, Luke jumped feet first into being a preschooler.

a song for grammy

Luke learned a new song, and he wanted to sing it for Grammy -- and his fan club, of course.
Grammy, this one's for you!

potty updates

Six months ago, Luke broke in his new potty with a perfectly placed pee-pee. About a month later, another pee-pee, so I figured we were well on our way to potty training. How easy is this, I thought?! Buy him some books, read the books, put out the potty, and there you go! What do people complain about?! Flash forward six months. Luke and I have this routine, which is not quite so enjoyable for me. First, just after dinner, he likes to make a poopy. (You can't say I didn't warn you about the content of this post, given the title!) So, Luke will be sitting at the dinner table, all charming and enjoyable, and then he'll declare, "Making a poopy! Wanna go down!" He'll usually point down for emphasis. I'll say, "Would you like to try your potty?" He says, "No." Sometimes he says, "No!" and other times he says, "Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!"

For the vast majority of Luke's life, I've been really clever at avoiding the poopy diapers. But lately (and just as Luke has been super-snuggly with Mama), he also wants Mama to do everything. Especially change his poopy diaper. I try and say, "Hey Luke, go ask Dada to change your diaper!" or "Dada would really love to change your diaper!" or "Hey Luke, it's Dada's turn" but that never works. He just points to me, smiles, and says, "Mama." Now would be a great time for the potty training to kick into high gear, only Luke isn't interested. I can be all full of the big child development talk about following your baby's lead, waiting until he's interested, blah blah blah, but I'm really just thinking about how I can weasel out of the poopy diapers again.

behold: the glory of Luke's trains

Dada has been hard at work on portrait sessions for all of Luke's trains. When he took the baskets of trains out of Luke's room to photograph them, Luke replied (wistfully), "I"ll miss them." You may notice the appropriate use of the word "I." Luke has been hard at work on "I," "me," and "you." It's a pretty significant language milestone, and I'm awfully impressed by our little man.

Please enjoy the trains:

first day of school photo

Luke's first day of school (before the difficult goodbye/reunion). He was excited to go to school, as you can see! What a big boy.

houston: we have a school

It's been a long season of holidays, travels, visitors and visiting, and disruptions to our routine. I have so many memories to share and will start with the story of Luke's new school. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, as we made our way through our preschool list, one of our neighborhood options -- The Crayon Box -- let us know that they had an opening in their 2-year old classroom. For those of you who have had the pleasure of spending any time with Luke recently, you'll know that he's ready for school. He's an accomplished scribbler or artist, depending on how you look at it, he loves circle time, he thrives on preschool-like routines, and he's interested in (if not quite ready to play with) other kids. He knows his colors, shapes, and most letters.

When we toured Crayon Box, Luke joined right into the activities. At my tour, he jumped into the ballet class and will gleefully pirouette to show you all that he learned. And, the toe/heel da-dum! move is equally adorable. When Jean-Max toured with Luke, our little man joined right into the outside play, going down the curvy slide and navigating the stairs with the other kids. Our boy is ready.

We signed up Luke for Wednesdays and Fridays (full days), and planned to transition gradually, starting out with Luke staying just an hour or two, then staying a bit longer, and working up to full days. Luke's very first day was two weeks ago. He was all prepped -- engineer hat, ready to find his cubby, reciting the routine ("Luke do circle time, then ballet, then outside time, then Mama come back.") When it was time to say goodbye, Luke was a bit dazed, but I took him over to circle time, kissed him on the head, and made my way home. Then, all the emotions broke loose for our sweet little man. Another boy started crying for his mama and Luke remembered that his mama was gone, too, and poor Luke cried off-and-on for the entire time I was gone. He was too sad to do ballet, and too sad to play on the slide. When I came back, Luke was in the teacher's arms, in his jacket ready to leave, and sobbing. When he saw me, he leapt into my arms like a koala bear and sobbed, "Mama walk walk walk away with the stroller! Luke alone! Luke all alone! Luke miss Mama!!!!" It was heart-wrenching to see how distraught he was. I just held him as tight as I could, let him know how proud I was that he tackled his first day at school, took him home and snuggled. He then slept for 3 1/2 hours, which may have been his longest nap ever.

Since then, he's been very slowly getting better at the whole school thing. He's still there for just 2 hours and saying goodbye is still very hard (unlike the first day, where he said goodbye pretty easily, he now knows what it means and protests loudly). But, last Friday after 4 school days spread over 2 weeks, Luke was able to actually play. He still cried at the goodbye with Dada, but he reorganized himself at circle time, enjoyed the outdoor play time, and even drew a picture to bring home to Mama.

His next school day is tomorrow. Wish us luck.

more potty tales

Just before Luke's birthday, I posted an update on potty training (or lack thereof). A few days after that post and just before Luke's 2nd birthday, he went pee-pee in his potty!

Here's the tale: Luke wanted to practice, so he sat down (naked of course) on his potty. I've learned that all good potty practice happens in the buff. He was squirming, squirming, squirming, but he didn't want to give up. We read a lot of books, we put his trains in a circle around the potty for moral support, and low and behold, after about 10 minutes on the potty, with Mama's arm around him, Luke declared "zi-zi!," which is French slang for penis. We looked in the potty and there it was: the pee-pee!! Mama, Dada, and Luke all did the potty dance, which is a sort of celebration parade, and we proudly announced to anyone who would listen that Luke had used the potty.

We saw no action for the next month, but, about a week ago, Luke's interest in his favorite potty books (the classics: Uh-Oh Gotta Go, A Potty for Me, and Once Upon a Potty) started to increase. This week, Luke told his nanny that he wanted to try the potty. He stripped down, and after about 8 minutes, he went pee-pee. There was another potty dance, and lots more pride.

Pop-Pop and Nana, put on your dancing shoes, because there might be some potty dancing going on when you visit over Thanksgiving!

super-quick birthday update

We had an amazing two-day birthday celebration. Mama's day was restful and restorative, and Luke's day was a lollapalooza of tricycle, trains, beach and chocolate cupcake. Dada uploaded a bunch of photos to Flickr last night, and I'll share the written report and video this weekend. (Flickr photos are viewable only by "family and friends," so if you're a friend who's not on our Flickr friend list, send me an email and I'll add you!)

potty tales

It's probably because I have an uncanny ability to avoid poopy diapers, but, potty training just hasn't seemed all that important to me. Luke will turn 2 next week, and a number of his buddies have already done some business on the potty. But for us, eh, not so much.

Sometime mid-summer, Dada went to a presentation on potty training (from the same amazing sleep consultant whom Mama consulted way back when), and we decided to take a temperament-based approach and wait until Luke showed readiness signs. Neither of us wants to butt heads with our little guy or try and force the potty training issue, so we're being relaxed (for us) and following Luke's lead. This summer, Luke and I went to Babies R Us, and he selected a potty. We have a couple of books about the concept, which Luke is fascinated by. He occasionally puts his animals on the potty, randomly declaring either, "Good job!" or "Next time!" And, every once in a blue moon, Luke will deign to sit on the potty without his diaper. Unlike the trains, however, Luke doesn't have much patience for the potty. He sits for all of 3 seconds, and then is off to another activity.

This weekend, however, was a bit of a mental breakthrough. Luke's buddy, River, is nearly completely potty trained at the age of 2 (being the younger of two children and having the benefit of watching his 3 1/2 year old sister use the potty). River and family were visiting us, and River used the potty! Luke was amazed and fascinated, and we could just see the wheels turning. That night, he sat on the potty for about 3 seconds again, but with a renewed sense of purpose.

Dada is convinced that Luke will keep studying the books and observing his buddies for a little while longer and then, one day, he'll just start using the potty.

language explosion

In what feels like the space of 24 hours, Luke has burst through to a whole new level of language skill. Up until Monday, he was talking – and talking a lot – about things and events, giving orders, and expressing desires. He was even putting together little 3 and 4 word sentences. But on Monday morning, he woke up with the ability to express more complex thoughts. Some samples from our day: When we called Dada (who is traveling this week), Luke offered, “Miss you!!” Later, during our morning walk, Luke said, “See puppy far far away! Puppy happy!” This morning, Luke (clearly remembering our weekend trip to the zoo, where the sheep at the petting zoo bumped – and scared – him) said, “Luke grumpy a’coz ‘a the sheep!”

In other news, Luke officially gave up the bottle this weekend. We hung onto it for probably too long. Our lovely little guy, who is so easy in so many ways, just loved his night-night bottle of milk, and Mama didn’t have the heart to stop it. But, when Luke can talk about his feelings, I figured it was time to at least give our little man a chance to say goodbye to the bottle. We bought a funky book called “No More Bottles for Bunny,” read it a few times, and then stopped cold turkey. Luke studied the book very seriously, no doubt understanding the subliminal message therein. When we told him that it was time to say bye-bye to the bottle, he was totally cool with it. On Saturday afternoon, he even threw his bottle in the trash (just like bunny). And, this morning, I asked Luke, “Who’s my baby?” and he replied, “Luke no baby! Luke big boy!”*

*but he’ll always be MY baby.

the fine art of dipping one's cookies in milk

Luke is sitting in his new Tripp Trapp chair, which will (supposedly) adjust from his current size until he can sit in an adult chair. Even if it doesn't last this long, it's cool, and Mama got the pleasure of buying another piece of baby gear. Luke can climb into, and down from, the chair. Also, no tray needed. He sits right at the table. Very cool indeed, although poor Dada keeps stubbing his toe on the end of the chair and cursing it.

happy 6th wedding anniversary, mama & dada

Dada and I went away for 36 consecutive hours (without Munchkin) to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary. It wasn't as weird as I thought it would be to be without our pumpkin pie. I guess it's because both Dada and Mama have spent a night or two away, on work travels, so it wasn't that much of a leap to be away together. It was some much needed time together, without being parents, and made me wish that Pop-Pop and Nana or Mamie and Papie lived closer to us, so that we could do that more often. Sometimes I really miss that we don't have a big family. Or, at least cheap babysitting.

toys, milestones & interests

We are all finally on the mend. Tonight is the first night that Luke hasn't woken up every 45 minutes, which likely means a good night's sleep for me (yeah!). I was talking to Pop-Pop and Nana this evening and sharing some of Luke's new abilities and interests. This also got me thinking about the types of toys that Luke really enjoys and where he's at, in terms of toy "age levels." Some random thoughts:

• Trains rule. Luke spends about 70% of his playtime in train-related activity: playing with his train set, reading about trains, pretending his food is a train, building trains out of his blocks, asking to ride the Little Puffer at the zoo ...


• He's very good at fine motor skills, and has easily mastered the 2-year old chunky puzzles. I'm having a tough time finding puzzles that are still large and chunky, but are more challenging for him to complete. He loves his puzzles, building towers or trains, snapping train tracks together, and anything, really, about spatial relationships.


• He loves drawing, finger painting, and play-doh. He can draw a circle and a straight line, and knows all of his colors.
  


• He loves animals, and particularly his Schleich animals, which he puts on his blocks so they can "ride the train." Going to the zoo is probably his #1 favorite thing to do. He can name most any animal that you can think of, and probably some you can't think of (like iguana and armadillo).


• He continues to "read" voraciously. He has upwards of 100 books, and can pick out any book by title. His favorites rotate, and right now, he's obsessed with a set of Thomas the Train board books I bought recently (Go Train Go, Stop Train Stop, Crack in the Track, and other exciting adventures). We spend at least 1-2 hours every day reading, although in about 10-15 minute blocks of time (i.e., the toddler sized attention span).


• Making music has become less interesting for the time being, although Luke is still a snazzy little dancer. He has also mastered the two word phrase, "encore song," mixing French and English but still getting the point across. Play it again!


• When outside, Luke loves to blow bubbles. We now have an industrial size container of bubble juice. The water table continues to fascinate as well.


• Luke can identify 2-3 letters (N, K, and often X), thanks to the foam bath letters and Dada's patience.


• As when he was a baby, Luke adores being outside. Dada taught him this very funny trick where Luke will grab the bars of the decorative gate outside our front door and yell, "Lemme out!! Lemme out!!!" This past weekend, we took a gentle walk in the Canyon and Luke adored riding on Jean-Max's shoulder's and laughed at the birds perched in a bush.
  

Here, in a snazzy iPhone format, is our running wish list of toys to delight the little man:

a moment of quiet, please

I'm off to Cape Cod on a mama vacation with my best friend. Five days of blissful mama-less-ness, eating to my heart's content, staying up late, sleeping in, no schedule, random spontaneity, adult conversation, adult beverages, and sleep, glorious sleep. Till my return on Tuesday.